My mood was a bit off. My day to day was feeling very day-to-day. I felt stagnant. Then the idea popped into my mind: I really need to cut out sugar. And grains. I am eating far too much of those delicious devils.
The old thoughts and habits began to slink back in. I started restricting myself. I worried about how I could l possibly find the will power to forever forgo sugar. I scrolled my brain cell catalog for tips and tricks to make it easier.
I figured I needed a good reason to keep me motivated. So I pondered, what do I want to gain from eating sugar free? To drop some weight? To get healthier?
But I was already happy with my health and my weight. So what did I want? And then I realized.
I wanted a distraction. I wanted something to do.
I had spent the last few weeks lazily going about my days. Wasting away time between routine tasks. It was pleasant enough. I am grateful for these periods of slowed pace and simple structure. But I know myself well enough to recognize that I need to be creating, to be productive, and to be aiming for my goals in order to feel my best.
But being creative can be hard. Inspiration is often elusive. Inertia is tricky to overcome. The path to my dreams can be scary and feel like too much hard work.
So I created myself a distraction.
Going on a diet is easier. Less confrontational. It doesn’t require me to look hard in to my own eyes and call bullshit (!) on my excuses.
You see, instead of working on what’s not going great in my life, I can Pintrest sugar free recipes.
Instead of figuring out my next step, I can agonize over what to have for lunch.
Instead of taking a leap in the direction of my dreams, it’s less scary to clean the ‘bad’ food out of my cupboards.
Instead of having the guts to go after the life I want, its easier to keep myself small by trying to make my hips smaller.
But I recognized that ultimately, I want to be deeply involved in this messy life and striving for my aspirations. And a distraction is just that, a distraction.
So I stopped. I ditched the self-imposed food rules and re-focused on what I know works: Eating what makes me feel good. Pursuing my desires. Boosting the pleasure.
And that felt a whole lot better.
How about you?
Could concentrating on losing weight be distracting you from the real issues?
Is doing your diet a substitute for doing life?
Is trying for a smaller body keeping your-self small?
If I wasn’t doing this diet, what could I be doing instead?
You may find that what you could be doing is really the thing you need to be doing.
I know I did.
Hannah May x