No more hiding in my journal

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I want my intentions to be set free. Released into the wilds of the web. From the shadows of my secret journals and into the blazing light of conscious awareness, intention and attention.

I want them set free from pages of notebooks that I write on and never see again. Thrown away when full. It felt good to write. Still does. But it wasn’t seeping in.

The insights and the inner guidance and the great advice to myself were, well, great. Great but small. Kept hidden. Safe. Not in their full power.

There is something about public self-expression. I am not sure what it is. I worried it was a sad search for external validation. Now I don’t think so. For even if no one ever reads these words, I would write them anyway. I am writing them anyway. Sharing them anyway. It feels more raw. Open. Exposed. It can be scary but deeper than that, the words feel more real. More potent. More possibility of expansion and integration and revelation.

I am less able to kid myself.  Which I like. I am aching for authenticity and action. So here I am. Taking a stand for both.

I guess I hope that this self-expression will better enable me to walk my talk. To live what I know. To have alignment and congruency between what I believe and how I act. For what scares me most is the end of life regret that I knew better but didn’t do better and therefore my life was a shell, a fraction, of what it could have been. I want to feel that I went all in during his life. That I lived true to myself and my knowing. But the feeling of going all in is too much. Too overwhelming. I get analysis paralysis and that thing of if I can’t do it all, why do anything.

So here I am, in the spirit of not having to be so black in white in the all-in-ness. Taking a step even though I can’t see the path ahead. I don’t know exactly what ‘it’ is, this sense of  purpose, this intangible thing that is gnawing at my insides to come out in full, beautiful, joy brandishing waves. I don’t have it’s territory accurately mapped out and maybe I never will.

But what I do have is a soul feeling to follow, a space to write, a medium to share and a deep desire to stop saying I will and start saying I do.

 

 

 

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