The creative process is an interesting one to observe in myself, 10 minutes ago, I had nothin’
No will to write and nothing to write about. Well, there is always EVERYTHING to write about but nothing sticking out at the time.
And now, I got a whole post written in my head in almost an instant. Now it’s just a matter of transforming that block of thought into typed words. Three things I wanna write about:
One. Some of my old stories were playing out this evening. Getting progressive louder during the day. These stories brought to my attention from reading The Happiness Trap. The ‘I hate my life’ story, The ‘I never get to do anything I want to do’ story. The ‘I am so crap at this and why can’t I just sort my shit’ story. All very dramatic, extrapolative (is that a word? I can’t be bothered googling a thesaurus for the word I want) and almost entirely false. Definitely entirely unhelpful.
Almost fought back hard and squashed down those lovely tales (with pancakes). Decided instead to sit my ass down on a cushion and notice. And breathe. And almost immediately, the insight comes and the words flow and I can’t help but write. So that’s the first thing, was proud I sat with instead of squished some of the feels today,
Two. Went to a school holiday library event today. Bunch of lovely school aged kids sitting in a circle, there to be taught some stuff about a subject I assume they were at least slightly interested in seen as they were there and all, by a kind lady who was doing her best. My child, younger that the others, sat for a while, drew a bit while the lady dolled out drawing instructions, which she didn’t follow ’cause she is 3 and all, then went off to the side and made an epic slide out of bean bags
For what was meant to be a fun and interesting session all the other kids looked…obligated. They sat still and did what they were told. A few seemed slightly more interested than others but no one smiled. None of them left the circle even though they we able to. Surely some of them wanted to leave? For a bunch of 6-8 years olds, they seemed so listless. Especially compared to my one, throwing herself joyfully down her creation.
It made me wonder, when exactly do we lose our zest for life and our connection to what our internal positive drives are urging us to do? When do we stop smiling? When do we start staying in the circle even though we are bored and free to escape? I always assumed it happened in adulthood or maybe a slow decline in joy and inspiration from adolescence but not age 7!!
I want that sparkle, presence and trust that my desires are right and good back again. At least for some of the time. Lucky I got a great role model.
Three. A quote that brought a few tears of resonance to my eyes today, from The Sophia Code ” I explored the divinity of my humanity within the prayer of bearing children, making love, preparing food and creating sacred spaces.”
There are so many different paths on this journey of full, awakened, whole hearted living. Maybe the same things I make up crappy stories about, stories which dull my sparkle and remembrance, are the very same things that could be my prayer and path.
I worried for years that I didn’t have any strong opinions about anything because I get largely swayed by whatever opinion I am taking in at the time. Which is funny now because those who know me have seen me go off on a passionate rant or two on subjects I feel pretty rock solid about.
At the time, my thirst for knowledge meant I read a large number of non-fiction books and would be so torn by conflicting information. I was either throwing myself into the belief system of whatever I was reading or feeling totally overwhelmed because I couldn’t figure out what was the ‘right’ way, so would do nothing all with the info I gathered.
I was so worried about not being wrong (Damn school culture for rewarding that into me), that what I felt was right would change and the continuity police would come get me.
Now I know, it’s OK to change my mind. It’s OK for my beliefs to evolve. Deepen. That doesn’t necessarily make my earlier beliefs wrong (except when they are. And that’s OK too) just because they are….
I am struggling to find a word that doesn’t have a negative connotation attached; shallow, immature, less evolved, newer, younger…Hmm, I can also see links here to why our society thinks so little of children, we often view an earlier stage as lesser, not fully worthy or right until it is in some kind of completed state. Same as our cultures pursuit of more and missing the joy in the journey. I digress.
What I am coming to know is;
That what I thought then was valid. And is OK just as it was.
That what I think now is valid. And is OK just as it is.
Each author, teacher, speaker, expert offers a piece, a perspective. Their work is a contrition not the whole story. They are not doing a disservice because they can’t give their audience every single step and every bit of necessary information for their journey. Even if I don’t find their contribution helpful or true for me, that is still useful exploration and feedback. They don’t need to have it all figured it and know it all.
And lo and behold (!)….
Neither do I.
Would be a bloody boring journey if I did. I know now my fear that a client will come back to me one day and tell me off (with those damn continuity police in tow) for not having every answer they ever needed, is slightly irrational (slightly? Very).
Well, that was quite a few words to really say,
I am really glad I can now read a book, enjoy it, and at the same time (gasp!) not agree with every bit of it.
A quick one while the opening credits are rolling. My children went to bed early and I get to do something I very rarely get to do, watch a film!
A note to self/ a tip:
Don’t try to feel better.
Got into a negative mood today, Instead of trying to make myself feel better or sink deeper and start a fresh tomorrow, I did nothing.
I didn’t try to feel better. I didn’t try to fix it. I didn’t try to fix me. I let the feeling be.
Because when there is a lot of momentum going, when I am all ready in the emotion, the acts of trying to feel better just puts more attention on the fact that I don’t feel good. When I would try to do different things I would constantly monitor my progress “Am I feeling better yet?” and felt worse when it wasn’t working and annoyed that I can’t be more unconditional in how I feel.
Trying to improve my mood is more resistance to how I am currently feeling. And, you’ve heard it before, what you resists persists.
So I left it. I softened into it. And it changed on its own. Revolutionary for me.
Try not trying. You are allowed to feel how you feel. Validate yo’ self.
Dear Husband suggested I write something lighthearted today; reminding me by doing so of my desire to be more light of heart. I can get quite bogged down in unnecessary seriousness at times. Thank goodness I have two little people and one big one to remind me to play, be easy (“easy mama” one says to me when I rush and tighten up) and have fun. I set the intention to do so.
And what a day full of light and heart it has been.
Woke early to spend time with said husband. Walked to the bakery alone for amazing bread. Had a picnic breakfast on the beach with the amazing bread. An ocean swim in the morning light. The best news from a fabulous friend who has magically manifested the man we dreamed up for her in my living room over tea and as a result of her beautiful self-awareness work, openness and focus on vitality and fun; my heart is filled with joy whenever I think about it. Laughing out loud at a TV show while my eldest laughs out loud with her friend next door. Joyful baby. Delicious lunch. Cuddles. Plans to connect with my awesome bro. Happy husband off catching fish. And it’s only just gone 5pm.
They were talking about a topic related to something I am pretty passionate about, children’s rights. I overcame my people pleasing, conflict avoiding, don’t make any waves programming to speak my truth, challenge a destructive paradigm and advocate for those younger than I who can not do it for themselves. I had the shakes for an hour afterwards.
The radio host was discussing bullying and if it comes as a result from school or is it the parents fault or is it human behavior etc. I called in and discussed the concept that bullying is a learned behavior from what is considered mainstream and often good parenting. The vast majority of adults routinely dominate, disrespect and coerce children and our children learn from that modeled behavior.
If you are feeling open-minded and want to learn more, and I highly suggest you do, I love these blogs among many others:
There was a lot of back lash, much of which was ironically bully-ish, as to be expected. Parenting and children’s rights is a subject that deeply challenges people, our values as a society and pushes on all kinds of past wounding.
In the past I would have been particularly sensitive to that kind of criticism. I would have second guessed myself to a huge degree. But as I have allowed myself more and more to be OK with accepting what I know to be true and letting myself express what resonates deeply with me, the more I feel thick-skinned and calmly grounded in the face of resistance from others. The more I can change self-protection into understanding and compassion.
I was brave today. I think I am going to be a bit more brave a bit more often.
Yesterday I set the intention for more flow and woke with that word on my mind. What a splendid day it was. The flow is magic. Being easy and flexible about things. Flowing around the blocks of resistance as well as slowly dissolving them away, the way water does, with persistent running up against them (with awareness and openness to change). Persistent, haha, it’s only been a day of flow being a more concerted focus. However, I will take my wins when I make em. Go me!
There are a few books I feel ‘ought to be handed out to every new parent (and possibly to everyone in general), this new to me book I am reading is one of them.
Am not even half way through it and it is clear, powerful and an utterly important concept and practice. I am getting a lot out of it even aside from the parenting aspect; the analogy that we have a cup inside that fills up with hurts (shame, disappointments, anger etc) and when it is full it has to spill out some way. And that we as adults tend to be expert hurt holders.
I had a big revelation lately as to why I had been feeling so tumultuous in my emotions. I let that big old cup get topped up and up, pretending, subconsciously mind you, that it’s not and then wondering why I go from feeling seemingly happy to very down all of a sudden, overflow! I was skipping all the parts in the middle for various reasons, suppressing all the different stages of full cup-ness until it was too much. Awareness: check! Conscious exploration of this: Check! Strategies coming into place to change this pattern: Check! And all very ongoing.
It’s easier to hide from yourself than from others I find.
I found myself wanting to forget today. Just let it slip by as another forgettable 24 hours in my life.
Not that anything terrible even happened. By and large we had a lovely day; fun outing, Conversations with beautiful friends. When I have a down moment, it stands out more prominently to me than the positives. Perhaps because I resist them more. I want those moments to be different and I chastise myself for feeling how I feel. And consequently, I want to leave the whole day behind, hide away and start afresh tomorrow. I want to hide from my own awareness.
But I decided to show up to myself. To be here anyway. I want to stop resisting the downs that come with the ups. Hmm, that’s quite the double negative. Reframe: I desire to embrace how I feel. To give attention to how I feel, to validate my emotions, to remind myself this is OK. And then to let them flow and change as they always do when you don’t push back against them. I desire to flow.
I want my intentions to be set free. Released into the wilds of the web. From the shadows of my secret journals and into the blazing light of conscious awareness, intention and attention.
I want them set free from pages of notebooks that I write on and never see again. Thrown away when full. It felt good to write. Still does. But it wasn’t seeping in.
The insights and the inner guidance and the great advice to myself were, well, great. Great but small. Kept hidden. Safe. Not in their full power.
There is something about public self-expression. I am not sure what it is. I worried it was a sad search for external validation. Now I don’t think so. For even if no one ever reads these words, I would write them anyway. I am writing them anyway. Sharing them anyway. It feels more raw. Open. Exposed. It can be scary but deeper than that, the words feel more real. More potent. More possibility of expansion and integration and revelation.
I am less able to kid myself. Which I like. I am aching for authenticity and action. So here I am. Taking a stand for both.
I guess I hope that this self-expression will better enable me to walk my talk. To live what I know. To have alignment and congruency between what I believe and how I act. For what scares me most is the end of life regret that I knew better but didn’t do better and therefore my life was a shell, a fraction, of what it could have been. I want to feel that I went all in during his life. That I lived true to myself and my knowing. But the feeling of going all in is too much. Too overwhelming. I get analysis paralysis and that thing of if I can’t do it all, why do anything.
So here I am, in the spirit of not having to be so black in white in the all-in-ness. Taking a step even though I can’t see the path ahead. I don’t know exactly what ‘it’ is, this sense of purpose, this intangible thing that is gnawing at my insides to come out in full, beautiful, joy brandishing waves. I don’t have it’s territory accurately mapped out and maybe I never will.
But what I do have is a soul feeling to follow, a space to write, a medium to share and a deep desire to stop saying I will and start saying I do.
Because life always is, so it’s more a matter of embodying the energy state of one who is thrilled and feels deserving and adorable enough to receive it’s gifts in full.
Being a Courtesan of Life is about having such a marvelous time that the treasures from the universe manifesting around you are just a generous frosting on top of a superb and perfect as it is cake. And you are delighted and deeply appreciative to be blessed with such delicious offerings, and you savour and enjoy them deeply, but they are not at all necessary for it is YOU that brings the joy and pleasure and sense of deep knowing and satisfaction with you every where you go.