Did an exercise in nailing down some personal life values; I wrote a letter to myself from my imagined 90 year old self who is looking back on her wonderful life. It’s a long one. Was super fun to write. Will hand you over now to old and awesome Hannah:
I am an old woman now. Which is great really; you progressively give less of a shit what people (whose opinions you don’t care for anyway) think of you, and more and more people pass off your crazy, fun, playful antics as you just being an eccentric old lady which lets you get away with heaps more. And contributes to the no shit giving 🙂
So looking back on my life, what am I most proud of? What am I most happy about in terms of how I made decisions? What do I know now that I would want to tell my younger self who was yet to make the changes that have led to be being the woman with the well lived life that I am?
Well here goes. This shall be a mix of present and past tenses, first and third person as I address both parts of the above paragraph;
I am proud that I made decisions, conscious decisions, from faith, a mindset of abundance and what felt right, as opposed to decisions from fear, lack, scarcity or simply choosing the ‘easy’ path that fit with the status quo. I put easy in quote marks because although it may seem like the simpler way at the time, ultimately regret and living out of alignment is far from easy. I am proud that I chose what was aligned with who I really am, instead of choices that reflect the surface me that is muddied with unhelpful conditioning, gripping to perceived safety and wanting to be small to make it easier for those around me, and easier for me because I am not rocking the boat of those around me. It’s ok to rock boats from a place of love and with integrity. Those who are meant to be in your life will catch up vibrationally and join you on your ride (because parts of their desired rides match yours). No need to worry about them, they will be OK .
I am proud that I expressed my truth and spoke out even when I was scared. Even when my voice and hands shook. I am proud that I was brave. Put boundaries and resources and processes in place that allow you to be brave as often as you are healthily can be.
You know what to eat, what to do, how to treat your body. Do those things. But also don’t over complicate it or get stuck in doing things perfectly. The energy of worrying if you are doing the right thing often enough and wondering if the right thing is right enough is counterproductive. Even if you are about to eat the perfect food in the world for your body, worrying that it might not be or that because of something else you did or ate, eating this perfect food won’t make much of a difference, is going to ruin the goodness of that perfect food! Give it up. Flow and non-resistance is the healthiest thing for you.
I am proud that I loved big. That I went all in with loving those who I loved. I didn’t hold back on loving my friends. I learnt not to apologize or worry that I will scare people off with my love. I loved them anyway. If that was too much for them, that was OK. I did it anyway. I am proud of having really awesome friends, soul siblings and family connections.
I am so proud that I cultivated and had a grand love, a great love, a romantic and fun and deep and energetic and sexually enlivened relationship with Ben that got just better and better with time. We worked on it. We put energy into it. It was our commitment and one of our greatest joys to do so. I love you. Thank you. Relationships are the biggest mirror and space for personal spiritual growth. Thanks for being a brilliant mirror.
I am so proud that I have given my children, and consequently my grandchildren as this way of living and relating to young people filters down, the greatest gift I could give them; freedom, an intact internal guidance system, the empowerment to follow it and the support and encouragement to live a life based on what life is really for and about; joy, self-expression, passion, living into the expansion that they are here to be and allow. I am proud that I have chosen a life that was a living example of that. For them to do what I do (in their own way), not just do as I say. It’s one thing to tell your children they can be whatever they desire to be and that anything that is truly right for them is possible. It is another to say, see, just like me! I am proud that my example was my form of advocacy and activism for others to witness and be inspired (and challenged) by. There is nothing more powerful than the power of example. And it’s fun to be ‘radical’. On that note…
I am proud that I allowed myself to lighten the hell up! To stop being quite so serious. To play. To be easier. To flow more. To laugh and be silly. To enjoy. To let some things (most things!) take care of themselves. To do what is needed by me and not more. To ALLOW things to work out, not force them to. Again, to make decision in faith and abundance. This leaves WAY more room for fun and playing. Over planning and worry and being serious never helped anything anyway. Sure I was and am practical when I need to be. But seriousness is not a recipe for a well lived life. You would be surprised just how much play you can, and should, get away with, and how much play can be a central and impactful part of your life. Play, seriously,
I am proud that I have been able to cultivate an attitude and way of living that allows me to be deeply, deliciously in the present. To live fully in the moments of my life more often than not. To be appreciative. To be awake and aware that I am here. Now. I was ALIVE in my present moments. That as much as I was able, I didn’t take things for granted. That I LIVED. I don’t even have the perfect words to describe that feeling of being in alignment in the moment. Of having the fullness of your non-physical self and your conscious, earth, brain, manifested, physical self focused in those present moments. To have squeezed every morsel of juice out of moment in life. To not feel like the days and years have simply ticked on. That time has just slipped away. Sure that happens but as much as I was able, I was conscious. Present. LOVING life. Here. Now. I can really say I lived life, not just have it move on by.
I enjoy reflecting back on the body of work that I have left behind as a natural extensions of living life this way. The manifested, tangible reflections of living by example. I almost feel like it doesn’t bear mentioning, although from the outside this body of work would be the evidence of success.They are not important in the same way that all the previous things are. They are natural by products. Sure they took work in the form of energy expenditure and I enjoyed the challenge and short thrill of accomplishment that came with them but they were inevitable. They are the wonderful consequence of expansion. In the same way I am not proud of having additional experiences or knowing a little more today than I did yesterday, that just happens, unavoidably, albeit enjoyably.
I am proud that I have evolved to be, and continue to evolve to be, the person I have always desired to be. The person I really am. Loving. Grounded. Optimistic. Wise. Welcoming. Validating. Calm. Present. Playful. Light. Generous. Caring. Empowering. Willing to be vulnerable. Open. Brave. Fun. Radiant. Celebratory. Appreciative. Allowing. And that I have learnt to be kind and loving to myself when I am none of those things.
Most of all,
I am proud that I did it.
That I lived what I knew.
That I APPLIED what resonated as truth for me.
That I talked, and walked that talk.
That I have, all in all, lived a life of congruence between what I know to do and what I do do.
That I have lived, on the whole,
With the whole of me.
P.S. I am also so frickin proud of my house. It has such a great energy and I adore living here. Ok, that’s all for now. Enjoy the next 61 years. Check back with me soon, I’ve got all the good advice and hindsight.