Shut up until you are perfect

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Shut up until you are perfect
Somewhere along the lines this is the message I got and have been feeding myself.

That you shouldn’t share your truth, express yourself, show up, teach, lead, facilitate, have an opinion, give advice, share or be an example until you’ve got it all figured out and are doing it all perfectly.

You’re not there yet so keep quiet, stay small and pleasing, wait wait wait for the magical time when you are qualified enough and experienced at doing it all just-so enough. And you better wait or else!

Or else you might be wrong
You might say something wrong
Write something wrong
Do something wrong
YOU might be wrong.

And if you are wrong they will condemn you

The mystery ‘they’.

The mystery judges who set the bar for qualification

The mystery haters whose opinions somehow mean more than your own and those of those who love you.

That is the story that goes around and around my subconscious and occasionally seeps into the conscious.

I have such a double standards for myself. There are numerous people whose works I read, buy, am inspired by, assisted by and whom I adore. People who definitely don’t have all their shit together. People who are flawed and growing and, according to me, are wrong’ at times. And these gloriously flawed human beings,

never would I ever want them to shut up until they are perfect.

Never would I ever want them to stay small and quiet and keep their voice from the world. On the contrary, I want to hear more. I want to hear it all! I would pay them for it in fact. Sometimes I want to send them emails asking if they would be my mentor, shit not together and all.

If they ever expressed to me that they feel inadequate and not worthy to do what they do, or that they really just say the same things as this person and that person so why hear it from them,
I would clasp my hands onto their upper-arms, lift then off the floor and make them look me in the eyes and hear me when I say;

People want to hear from you
People WANT to hear from you
From YOU
Your perspective, even on the same stuff as what others are sharing
People want to hear more from you BECAUSE of your perceived flaws and not enoughness, not in spite of it. Because of it!!
I would love to have heard your story from the beginning, to have read it as it plays out. I am often trawling back though your archives to see how you got started and how you changed and evolved. I can’t get enough! I don’t want to see only the end product. Although you are neither a product or at an end point.
You will never be perfect.
You will never be as fill in the blank as you desire to be, because you desires will continue to expand and morph so you always have something delicious to aim for because the joy IS in the journey. And by golly I want to see your journey.
I don’t care about qualified, I care about the resonance and power in your message. I don’t care even if you don’t walk your talk most of the time if what you have to say stirs my soul and encourages me to do the walking. Or entertains me. Or makes me feel connected.
Please speak up. We want to hear you. Those of us who are all ready the converted. Preach to us, we LOVE to hear it.
Please share. Even when the haters get you down. We are here, we are listening, we who love you, love you. But most of all,
Do it because YOU love you
Because you deserve the life you desire
The one in which you lead, share, express, create, inspire.
Because it is who you are. The writer. The creator. The speaker. The share. The leader.
Sure, don’t deny us who you really are
But more than that,
Don’t deny yourself who you really are
If you do, it will eat away at your soul
The world doesn’t need anyone else with eaten down souls
It needs you shining
Your family need you shining
Your friends and community need you shining
You need you shining
You WANT to be shining
Shine baby.
Your light is right.
Right on.
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You in?

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If you want a life that is different to most people, you have to do, act, believe and feel differently to most people.

It will be tough. You will feel weird and alone. You will feel scared. You will be challenged. You will make mistakes. Big ones. You will lose friends. You will have people dislike you, even hate you. You will shake, You will cry. You will lay on the floor and not want to do it anymore.

It will be the best thing you ever do.

See it, shift it

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I have had days and days lately of ease and flow with myself and the little people I share my life with. What a shift from a few weeks earlier. Awareness is such a powerful thing. I was feeling so tumultuous in my emotions, up one minute, down the next, not knowing why I couldn’t be more stable. Why it felt like all the self-care and alone time was never enough, I just couldn’t keep my cup of needs filled. Those around me bared the brunt.

The amazing thing is, I haven’t even tried to change anything really since becoming aware of why I was feeling like that. I think I was mainly relieved I figured out what the hell it was (I was feeling wither happy or powerless because I was suppressing all the emotions in between, so whenever my desire were squelched by my own self doubt, I would spiral down unconsciously).

Seeing, validating and understanding the reasons behind my uncomfortable emotional state was enough for it to change all on it’s own. Another relief! I didn’t have to do a whole lot of work to overcome it. Well, there is always work to do and things to uncover, but often times, trying to work at overcoming something is simply throwing more resistance at it and keeping it active. Awareness (and a willingness to change) is often enough.

You can’t really get rid of anything anyway in this encompassing, inclusive, infinite multiverse. You can instead shine a light on it, let it melt from your current reality and allow yourself to naturally shift into a time and space where you are the person you prefer to be.

For me, that’s one way more chilled mama.

90 year old me says…

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Did an exercise in nailing down some personal life values; I wrote a letter to myself from my imagined 90 year old self who is looking back on her wonderful life. It’s a long one. Was super fun to write. Will hand you over now to old and awesome Hannah:

I am an old woman now. Which is great really; you progressively give less of a shit what people (whose opinions you don’t care for anyway) think of you, and more and more people pass off your crazy, fun, playful antics as you just being an eccentric old lady which lets you get away with heaps more. And contributes to the no shit giving 🙂

So looking back on my life, what am I most proud of? What am I most happy about in terms of how I made decisions? What do I know now that I would want to tell my younger self who was yet to make the changes that have led to be being the woman with the well lived life that I am?

Well here goes. This shall be a mix of present and past tenses, first and third person as I address both parts of the above paragraph;

I am proud that I made decisions, conscious decisions, from faith, a mindset of abundance and what felt right, as opposed to decisions from fear, lack, scarcity or simply choosing the ‘easy’ path that fit with the status quo. I put easy in quote marks because although it may seem like the simpler way at the time, ultimately regret and living out of alignment is far from easy. I am proud that I chose what was aligned with who I really am, instead of choices that reflect the surface me that is muddied with unhelpful conditioning, gripping to perceived safety and wanting to be small to make it easier for those around me, and easier for me because I am not rocking the boat of those around me. It’s ok to rock boats from a place of love and with integrity. Those who are meant to be in your life will catch up vibrationally and join you on your ride (because parts of their desired rides match yours). No need to worry about them, they will be OK .

I am proud that I expressed my truth and spoke out even when I was scared. Even when my voice and hands shook. I am proud that I was brave. Put boundaries and resources and processes in place that allow you to be brave as often as you are healthily can be.

You know what to eat, what to do, how to treat your body. Do those things. But also don’t over complicate it or get stuck in doing things perfectly. The energy of worrying if you are doing the right thing often enough and wondering if the right thing is right enough is counterproductive. Even if you are about to eat the perfect food in the world for your body, worrying that it might not be or that because of something else you did or ate, eating this perfect food won’t make much of a difference, is going to ruin the goodness of that perfect food! Give it up. Flow and non-resistance is the healthiest thing for you.

I am proud that I loved big. That I went all in with loving those who I loved. I didn’t hold back on loving my friends. I learnt not to apologize or worry that I will scare people off with my love. I loved them anyway. If that was too much for them, that was OK. I did it anyway. I am proud of having really awesome friends, soul siblings and family connections.

I am so proud that I cultivated and had a grand love, a great love, a romantic and fun and deep and energetic and sexually enlivened relationship with Ben that got just better and better with time. We worked on it. We put energy into it. It was our commitment and one of our greatest joys to do so. I love you. Thank you. Relationships are the biggest mirror and space for personal spiritual growth. Thanks for being a brilliant mirror.

I am so proud that I have given my children, and consequently my grandchildren as this way of living and relating to young people filters down, the greatest gift I could give them; freedom, an intact internal guidance system, the empowerment to follow it and the support and encouragement to live a life based on what life is really for and about; joy, self-expression, passion, living into the expansion that they are here to be and allow. I am proud that I have chosen a life that was a living example of that. For them to do what I do (in their own way), not just do as I say. It’s one thing to tell your children they can be whatever they desire to be and that anything that is truly right for them is possible. It is another to say, see, just like me! I am proud that my example was my form of advocacy and activism for others to witness and be inspired (and challenged) by. There is nothing more powerful than the power of example. And it’s fun to be ‘radical’. On that note…

I am proud that I allowed myself to lighten the hell up! To stop being quite so serious. To play. To be easier. To flow more. To laugh and be silly. To enjoy. To let some things (most things!) take care of themselves. To do what is needed by me and not more. To ALLOW things to work out, not force them to. Again, to make decision in faith and abundance. This leaves WAY more room for fun and playing. Over planning and worry and being serious never helped anything anyway. Sure I was and am practical when I need to be. But seriousness is not a recipe for a well lived life. You would be surprised just how much play you can, and should, get away with, and how much play can be a central and impactful part of your life. Play, seriously,

I am proud that I have been able to cultivate an attitude and way of living that allows me to be deeply, deliciously in the present. To live fully in the moments of my life more often than not. To be appreciative. To be awake and aware that I am here. Now. I was ALIVE in my present moments. That as much as I was able, I didn’t take things for granted. That I LIVED. I don’t even have the perfect words to describe that feeling of being in alignment in the moment. Of having the fullness of your non-physical self and your conscious, earth, brain, manifested, physical self focused in those present moments. To have squeezed every morsel of juice out of moment in life. To not feel like the days and years have simply ticked on. That time has just slipped away. Sure that happens but as much as I was able, I was conscious. Present. LOVING life. Here. Now. I can really say I lived life, not just have it move on by.

I enjoy reflecting back on the body of work that I have left behind as a natural extensions of living life this way. The manifested, tangible reflections of living by example. I almost feel like it doesn’t bear mentioning, although from the outside this body of work would be the evidence of success.They are not important in the same way that all the previous things are. They are natural by products. Sure they took work in the form of energy expenditure and I enjoyed the challenge and short thrill of accomplishment that came with them but they were inevitable. They are the wonderful consequence of expansion. In the same way I am not proud of having additional experiences or knowing a little more today than I did yesterday, that just happens, unavoidably, albeit enjoyably.

I am proud that I have evolved to be, and continue to evolve to be, the person I have always desired to be. The person I really am. Loving. Grounded. Optimistic. Wise. Welcoming. Validating. Calm. Present. Playful. Light. Generous. Caring. Empowering. Willing to be vulnerable. Open. Brave. Fun. Radiant. Celebratory. Appreciative. Allowing. And that I have learnt to be kind and loving to myself when I am none of those things.

Most of all,

I am proud that I did it.

That I lived what I knew.

That I APPLIED what resonated as truth for me.

That I talked, and walked that talk.

That I have, all in all, lived a life of congruence between what I know to do and what I do do.

That I have lived, on the whole,

In alignment,

With the whole of me.

P.S. I am also so frickin proud of my house. It has such a great energy and I adore living here. Ok, that’s all for now. Enjoy the next 61 years. Check back with me soon, I’ve got all the good advice and hindsight.

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Your wants are your needs

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What do I need to hear today?

Or rather, what do I want to hear today?

I suspect these things, are often the same thing. When your wants are truly about desire at least, instead of wanting to run away from and resist something. When the wants are really wants, not simply reflections of what we don’t want (to borrow an analogy from Teal Swan, a true desire is when you choose strawberry ice cream because you just love strawberry ice cream, not because you really, really don’t like vanilla. How much of your life is non-vanilla picking?) Because what we truly want is what is best for us. It’s for us. It IS us. It’s what we NEED.  Joy, desire and purpose for being are inextricably linked. They are one and the same.

So what do I want and need to hear?

You are on the path.

This IS it.

You worry that your passion and purpose is some big thing that you are way off the mark on, so much so that you often miss what is here now.

The power and the possibility that you have is in the now. The depth and deliciousness of the present is where every moment of your life happens.

Momentum is building. Never underestimate the magic of little steps.

Keep going. Keep building. Never stop.

Do the things that you envision never stopping.

I caution against starting anything that you wish to have life long results from, that you are not willing to do forever.

I strongly encourage that you figure out what the ideal you does everyday from flow, the freedom of habit and conscious choice to live aligned to their values (note; figure our their values). And do those things. Because you want to. Because that is just what that person does, what you do. You really ARE that person.  

BE that person.

It’s all you ever wanted, and needed, anyway.

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Choose your shit sandwich

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It’s going to be hard anyway.

You are going to have rough moments. Moments of doubt and uncertainty. Or if not those, you are going to have moments of regret and dread and that sad-soul feeling of just not doing what you really feel you could have (and deeply desire to).

Whatever those moments are, the negative ones you don’t want to experience, you are going to have them either way. Whether you take the ‘safe’ path or the adventurous one. The one well worn or the one your forge.

The contrast is still going to show up in some form. There to wake you up or to throw the positive experiences into sharp relief that makes the joy more joyful. There are going to be challenges, large expenditures of energy and time spent.

The years are going to pass anyway.

There is no avoiding emotions that wring out heart stings, punch you in the solar plexus form the inside, make your heart race or eyes whites show.

All that’s going to happen in some form anyway.

So might as well go after something that’s worth it.

Might as well go for what makes your deepest depths resonate and vibrate with truth, purpose and that quiet, confident and sure, YES.

Might as well go after the dream that is furthermost extension of your wildest imagination.

Because although we will have difficult times no matter what, we can choose which ones we are willing to experience.

And I choose being afraid, uncertain and misunderstood,

over regret, fulfillment and that particular kind of loss,

that comes from not even really trying.

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I appreciate

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All that comes to mind to write about today is a list of what I appreciate today.

And that is more than enough. In fact, it’s everything.

I appreciate

Watching my daughter dance with her eyes closed as she feels the music and moves to it

Dinner with my family that had been cooking and smelling delicious all day

Watermelon

Meeting up with a wonderful friend

The blossoming opportunity of owning our first home

Excitement and sure-ness regarding life changes

My baby peacefully sleeping

Fridays; because I get my husband back home with me.

Free amazing attractions to go to

Books. Learning always.

Knowing about connection parenting and how to have a great relationship

My own level of self awareness and the new insights I have been having lately that are making such positive impacts on my life

My body changing without effort.

A clean and tidy space to live and play.

No rush. Ease. Flow. Allowing.

Feeling consistently better than I have in a long while

It feels like relief.

It feels like I am back. That momentum on the crap train has slowed to the point that I have jumped trains and am now picking up speed in the direction I want to go. There will be bumps in the tracks and detours.

I am learning to appreciate those too.

I stay out too late *clap-clap, clap*

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What would your future ideal self be doing everyday, EVERYDAY, because they want to?

What would they, almost never, miss a day of doing?

What activities would just BE them, be part of who they are, that they would do them without question?

How can you do those things now, the best that you can, with you have, from where you are? (Credit to author Mike Dooley for that line)

‘Cause a writers gotta write (write, write, write, write. Tay Tay. Anyone?). A listener’s gotta listen. A darn’ good advice giver’s gotta give darn good advice. A lover’s gotta love. A Mother’s gotta Mother. A reader’s gotta read. A signer’s gotta sing.

These things are part of who I am.

Today I did these things and it’s why I am here, writing, whilst the rest of my family sleeps.

It’s time for me to go all in,

being me.

P.S. Also gotta let my freak flag fly more. A friend today said they had been listening to (metaphysical and philosophical lecturer) Alan Watts and that they weren’t sure if I would find him a bit ‘out there’. Oh buddy, there is very little you could say that I would find weird.

 

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I don’t need self discipline.

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I wish I could go one day without doing something I regret.

That was the thought I had the other night. After another day in which I had snapped, yelled or disrespected my children, treated them unfairly, been inpatient or rude or mean or otherwise not even close to the person I wish to be and really am.

I scolded myself; I need to get my act together. I fucked up AGAIN. Why can’t I go just one day without doing something I wish I hadn’t. Another moment of disconnection, another time I apologize to my child. I need to be better at this.

It feel like my days are usually more failure than anything else.

I came across this quote on the Instagram of the inspiring and informative Rachel from www.racheous.com/ (her respectful parenting, unschooling blog which is amazeballs)

At first I balked; If I focus on the good stuff I won’t be self-reflective enough and won’t do any work on my triggers and negative programming.

Which I know is bullshit because when I AM felling self lovin’, all flows easily. I am the parent and person I desire to be. With ease. AND I do the important self awareness and transformative work that I want to do.

So I started to write a list this afternoon and I am now going to finish it, of all that I DID do today that I enjoyed and was proud or appreciative of. Sure I snapped and got frustrated at a couple of points but I am so much more than those moments.

Today I 

told my daughter I loved her, more than once. Not just that I loved her but that I loved her all the time, no matter what. She stood on a chair pulled up against the bench as we made cup cakes and play-dough from scratch while listening to the music she chose (Frozen soundtrack. Standard. I also not so secretly love it). I tickled her as we walked to the bus stop, she giggled with joy around the sharp corners and I helped her reach the stop button. I made her breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks and drinks and helped her wipe the chocolate batter from her face. I surprised her at the bottom of the slide and twirled her around after we did running cuddles with arms outstretched on the grass. We iced the cupcakes and topped them with sprinkles.

We read a book together in the library, we took books home. She loves to check them out herself. A lady commented on her lovely manners; I am proud as we never have forced manners, only every modeled, and her thank-yous are warm, sincere and given generously We talked about how all people can love dogs, not only. boys. She told me she loves me. I cuddled her when she cried. I laid out a sheet that became an ice skating rink. I shook the sheet over them while they laughed and squealed. We had a picnic on the grass. Baby crawled and explored and I allowed her to do so, letting her taste the bark and hear the thud of the metal rubbish bin. I wiped her hands with a wet wipe.

I read my book and made myself good food. I actually sat to eat it. I stretched some muscles. I wrote. I read some inspiring posts on the internet. I reflected. I watched a video on improving relationships. I began the process of applying that info. I breast-fed by baby to sleep 3 times and a few times in between. I patted her bottom when she stirred. I changed at least 6 nappies. I cleaned the kitchen and the lounge; even vacuumed. I brought in the washing, made my daughters smile as I tipped the sun-dried clothing onto them. I smiled at my husband as my 3-year-old thanked me for the clean clothes and put her dresses away unprompted. I carried my baby on my hip as I stirred dinner. I soothed her frights and bumps. I give her toys to play with and mashed potato to smear over the face, tongue and hands. She ate some too.

I emptied the dishwasher and cleaned up the potato. I hugged and kissed and appreciated my husband. He plays with the girls so I can be alone with my thoughts as I potter, clean and create. I message my friends. I sort out some tech stuff with my mum. I catch a taxi, collect my repaired car, buy food for my family with loving consideration at the supermarket while my mums eats ice cream with the girls on the loving room floor (thank you)

I laugh at the girls absolute delight at the sheet being flapped by my husbands arms over their heads. I give her a rolling pin to work her dough, let her wrap my arm with cellotape as a bandage, put a straw in her water as requested.

I could keep going. Describing this one day and my part in it. It seems like so much when I write it down. I hadn’t let it sink in till now. My so-called failures pale in comparison to the love and goodness which I have brushed aside and talked down. I see that now. Wow.

I don’t need self-discipline. I need self compassion, appreciation and love. That will be my dominant focus from now on.

I will never regret that.

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In case I forget tomorrow

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They will sleep when they are tired.

Getting out is almost always worth the of the pre-outing prep.

The best part is so often the journey (“What was your favourite part today?” The bus and the big boat- Miss 3).

Life flows better with no big agenda.

You are enough.

You are doing great.

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